loving deeply; dreaming boldly

This one is for Josh Bull, the party that holds me accountable for transcribing these thoughts and threatens to disband our friendship if this project in community does not recommence. i believe it was he who coined the term (or at the very least introduced the concept to me) 'vagabonding' as a means of experiencing adventures in community.

when i am not singing opera-style, often wordless ballads at the top of my lungs while riding my bike across the vast expanse of a city i now call home, i am writing stories in my head. the menagerie of tales transcend upon my mind whether i am prepared to engage in the subjects or not. these stories are sometimes forgotten but more often, left unwritten. And then, one Friday night, the freest you've been in weeks, you sit before your computer with reckless abandon, reveling in brussel sprouts, a mason jar with good wine and a night all to yourself to retell the story.

Isn't it unfortunate that the times in your life when everything seems most chaotic are the same periods in which you abandon the things you most desperately need and deep-down desire? Your prayers remain unvoiced, your letters and phones calls to the people who care for you unconditionally go unspoken, your dreams seem farther from reach than they ever have before.

(What had turned into) months ago I set out to narrate the community I encountered. And, oh, it has happened. I assure you this much. But the tides turn and suddenly you are trust into a life that feels too much to handle and you barely have a moment to catch your breath, to wonder when you'll feel whole again. But amidst it all...there it is. Community in ways that you have never experienced before. People and ideas intersecting your life...changing you. challenging you. showing you more about yourself than you ever, ever wanted to know.

and sometimes you discover things about yourself that you kinnnnndddda didn't want to know. and thus begins tonights musings.

I never dreamed how utterly humbling working in the food service industry could be. if you haven't done it, i won't say i whole heartedly condone the idea, but it sure does bring a lot of perspective into your life. i can say without hesitation that I have experienced parts of my own personality that i never knew existed. if i mutter to one more person my devastation of their wasting enough food to feed an entire village, i deserve to be kicked to the curb. these jobs have allowed me to feel the full spectrum-- the rage, the shame, the shock, the sheer amusement in the entitlement felt by others. Fearing I had lost my sense of self, I broke down to my dad confessing the shame of these emotions and what felt like the inability to love others. Without missing a beat he humbled me further. he said something to this extent: Katherine, this is what makes us real. we are imperfect and it is through these experiences that we relate to others. Put more blatenly by my lovely friend Andrea: You think you're mean? I like 'mean Katherine.' I can relate to her better anyways.

So this brings me to a very round about way of questioning how I can better love others. I have an admitted fascination with making 'problem trees,' (thank you graduate school). Not because I necessarily take joy in stewing in problems, but because I have come to recognize the value in addressing root causes. And that's what you set out to do when you create a problem tree. Dig deep. Get to the root of the root of the root. It is only there that you discover the capacity to holistically address the said problem.

Being in community doesn't say we have to agree. It doesn't say we have to compromise our opinions or our very being. And, I guess it doesn't mean that we don't get frustrated. angry. outraged even. But it does ask that we love one another. And it makes us better people for it.

I guess its like this:

Community may not be the one person that steals your bike, but it is the half dozen other people who offer you their's;
Community may not be the five customers who accuse you of doing something wrong, but it is the one customer who acts truly grateful;
Community may not be the friend who makes me feel unworthy, but it is the ones who love you despite your insecurities.
Put plainly, community has a way of really sneaking up on you.

Per usual I digress. The problem tree. Here we are. It has become apparent to me that two thematic roots in my life may be two faces of the same coin-- an unattainable desire to please others and an unreasonable fear in failing.
Thus, my world seems fractured when I find myself unable to love others the way I'd hope or even more, loving more than can be returned, and then feeling unlovable. Equally challenging is the constant dreams that get tossed aside or quickly replaced with what seems easier, safer or more likely to succeed.


But I was thinking,
What if our greatest faults or deepest fears were merely loving too deeply and dreaming too boldly? I'm still grappling whether to pursue these but regardless,
I pray that I would have the courage and capacity to love more deeply and dream more boldly.